If you know me, there’s a decent chance you read my blog. You also know that my posts are usually for entertainment purposes and don’t really mention very private matters that I hold near and dear.
That’s changing today. Today, I thought I’d write a very personal, bare-all kind of post. I’m telling you this up-front, so if you’re having a bad day, you may want to skip this one because it won’t cheer you up. I’m not even sure if posting this publicly is a good idea, but I think just writing some things down will help me feel better. And maybe other people my age feel some of the things I’ve been feeling as well, and maybe they deserve to know that they aren’t alone. I don’t usually post things quite as personal as this, so please try not to judge too harshly.
Recently, I’ve been feeling stuck. Like I’m at a crossroads, and I don’t know what to do. It feels like nothing but bad things have happened to me since I moved to Charlotte, and I’m having a hard time getting to know the place or even giving it a chance because I can’t seem to separate this amazing city from all of the bad things.
After I had the car wreck at the beginning of June, I had a minor breakdown. I did not realize then how much of an effect it would have on my well-being in the future. I was very far from home and lacking my major support system. C was out of town. When I told him what had happened, he said he was getting back on the road to come back to Charlotte. Good news! But there were some circumstances surrounding his return that did not add up to me that left a sour taste in my mouth afterwards. He was very vague and we never actually talked openly about why it took him so long to get home when he was only a few hours away. Part of me did not want to know, so I tried to let it go. I tried because he wasn’t technically my boyfriend yet. He didn’t technically owe me anything. I should’ve just been happy he came to see me later that night. So why couldn’t I be the “cool girl” and just let it go? I knew I wasn’t getting the whole truth, so I don’t think I ever allowed myself to fully heal from the things that happened that day to be able to let it go. I never allowed myself to completely trust him after that either. Looking back, this day marked the beginning of the end of our relationship in my mind, which is ironic since we actually made it “official” two days later.
I broke up with C at the end of September, which ended up hitting me harder than I thought it would. But my heart had been breaking for quite some time before that. He had gotten distant and quit treating me like an important part of his life. It seemed like he thought he didn’t have to try anymore once we made things official. He shut me out from his family. Never once did he sincerely ask me to come home with him to meet them. And when he got stressed out (which was all the time), we would barely say a word to each other. We went from being together 4-5 times a week to maybe once. Twice if I was lucky. He did not want–or know how–to communicate with me. This left me feeling vulnerable all the time, which in turn made me angry. I spent a good three months being angry with him and living for the few times we did have together when I wasn’t mad about something he did or [as was the case most of the time] didn’t do. I even alienated the few friends I had made in Charlotte because I got so wrapped up in the stress my relationship was causing. Even though we barely saw each other, I spent most of my energy trying to figure out what I could do to get him to talk to me and do the small things I asked him to do.
I had become a person I didn’t even recognize. I wasn’t this girl. The girl that ditched her friends to hang out with a boy. The girl that let someone else control her happiness. The girl that got so wound up one little thing could break her apart.
I finally came to a realization: The relationship was toxic. I was exhausted. I had waited months for a change and things were only getting worse. So I broke it off. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. He had been my best friend and my support system in Charlotte, and now I was making the decision to cut him out of my life. I just couldn’t understand why two decent, relatively sane people couldn’t make something as seemingly simple as being together and enjoying each other’s company work out. It broke my heart all over again.
I don’t believe in a soul mate. I don’t believe that only one person out of 7 billion is made to be with only one other person. I believe that any two people with similar values, morals, interests, whatever, can fit together and fall for each other. I believe that you can find someone who can fill those small voids we each have and feel complete. I also don’t believe that, when you find this person, it should be hard. What I can’t seem to make sense of, though, is that when someone claims to care about another person, why is keeping them happy so hard to do? Why do they stop doing the things that made us fall for them in the first place? Small things, like answering a text message or letting us know when you’re going to be later than the time we agreed upon. I [stupidly] put everything I have into a relationship, and when it’s not reciprocated, I feel like I have to pick up that slack as well. It is too much to take on.
I seem to go through this about once a year: My life is not where I want it to be. Though I’m not even sure where I would like it to be. What, married? With kids? I can’t imagine that scenario either. It scares the living shit out of me. I still feel like I’m trying to find my place in the world, but I’m not making any progress. Sometimes I feel like moving to Charlotte was almost a step backward, but I also hate the fact that I haven’t given it a good chance and allowed myself to be happy here. I’ve been so focused on what has gone wrong since I got here, that I’ve lost sight of all the things that have gone right.
I’ve learned so much in the past 6 months:
1. I’m still good enough to get a job in my field.
2. What it’s like to drive a stick again.
3. What I don’t want in a boyfriend and the red flags to keep an eye out for.
4. A new appreciation for my family when I do get to see them.
5. Getting the opportunity to make friends in, and explore, another part of the country.
But the positive things are hard to focus on when you feel like your life is in pieces. I think now is the time for a deep cleanse. Inside and out. I’ve lost sight of who I am as a person. And I know it is not healthy to rely on outside factors to make me happy–the next step, city, job, guy, etc., so I am making it my goal to get back to the inner peace I used to feel when I was single and happy being alone. I may be alone, but I refuse to be lonely. And I know that no relationship or fear of being alone is worth sacrificing happiness for. I will come back stronger after this.