So, Matthew got his love letter in the last post. Now it’s time for Ruby to get hers. I’ve started and re-started this so many times. It’s so difficult to put into words what she has done to me. All the typical stereotypes about motherhood are true, and I’m not sure I’ll say anything here that hasn’t been said before, but I’m going to try.
I’ve written about the strange dichotomy that is motherhood – the constant push and pull that comes with the territory. The overwhelming feeling of the greatest and most rewarding love you’ve ever known, coupled with exhaustion, overstimulation, a never-ending to-do list, and that constant nagging feeling of never doing “enough.”
Motherhood is so many things all at once, some of which I expected, some of which caught me completely by surprise.
It’s needing her to go down for a nap so I can get a few minutes of quiet, but missing her when she’s gone. It’s desperately needing a nap yourself, but also having a long list of house chores hanging over your head. It’s doing anything away from her and feeling like you’re missing out on quality time. It’s wanting to bring her with you everywhere you go, but getting overwhelmed at the sheer amount of ‘stuff’ you need to bring just to make that happen.
It’s seeing her smile at you, and suddenly everything that went wrong that day is right. It’s hearing her tiny hands and knees slap the floor as she chases you down the hallway, feeling those hands on your legs when she crawls up behind you. It’s hearing her giggle when someone makes her laugh. It’s getting to be the one who makes her laugh.
It’s the middle of the night wake-ups followed by sweet baby cuddles and contact naps that seem to drive you crazy in the moment, but one day realizing she no longer does those things. It’s being her favorite person in the entire world for months, but one day she wants Mimi or Dada over Mama.
It’s navigating the fact that she will probably take for granted all the adults in her life, most likely until she has kids of her own.
It’s watching your own heartbeat, the body you created from scratch, growing into an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and beliefs entirely different from your own.
It’s knowing that one day someone will break her heart for the first time. It’s understanding that she will eventually come to realize that the world is not kind.
It’s accepting the fact that we will have to let her go one day. That we aren’t raising her for us, but to go out into the world on her own. It’s praying that she makes good choices, finds true sisterhood in her friendships, remains steadfast in her faith, and gets everything she’s ever dreamed of.
That she outlives both of her parents. That she can move through this life with minimal amounts of trauma. It’s hoping she realizes we have done everything in our power to set her up to live the best life she possibly can.
It’s praying she develops her dad’s sense of humor and athleticism. That she inherits our height (and both of our good looks 😉). That she learns to think for herself while remaining true to the values we teach her. That she always makes the right choice, even in the face of adversity.
These are only a few things I wish for Ruby (and Conway when he gets here). The reality is that this list could go on and on for days but we don’t have that kind of time here. Since before Ruby was born, I’ve been keeping a journal, written specifically to and about her, that I hope to gift to her one day. It highlights many of the things I’ve written about here, and much, much more. I highly recommend this to anyone who has kids. I won’t live forever, and I hope one day it can bring her comfort, and possibly even help her out if and when she decides to have kids of her own.
People say this all the time about parenthood, but it’s absolutely true: having her is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me – the greatest thing that’s ever happened to us. And I think I speak for both of us when I say we would have a million more kids if we could. I love my family more than anything in the world, and I will always do everything in my power to protect our peace.
🤍
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