I feel like it’s time for a life update. I’m honestly not sure what to write about, so I’m just going to start and see what comes out. Hope you enjoy!
We are in awe of Ruby. Almost a year into this parenthood thing, and it still feels surreal to call myself a mom, to call ourselves parents. To use the phrase “my daughter” in conversation.
Maybe it’s because I spent almost 38 years on this planet before she came into my life. Or maybe it’s because so many things changed in such a short period of time. Until I was about 33 years old, I was always just Emily. Nothing new or special. A consistent presence in a few people’s lives. Single. White. Female. Homeowner. Dog mom. Corporate job. Survivor of a horrific car accident and breast cancer. Probably more of a taker than a giver.
But then I met Matthew, and my life changed completely. For the first time, I was with someone whose motives I never had to question. I always knew where we stood in our relationship. He was the safe haven I’d never before experienced in a man. It was entirely new, yet completely familiar at the same time. Part of me always knew we would end up right where we are today.
When he came into my life, I began to heal emotionally, physically, and even financially. He took my abandonment issues and overly sensitive triggers and helped me transform into someone with the ability to regulate. He opened my eyes to new perspectives I had been too closed off to see on my own. He brought me back to my faith and back to church with a renewed curiosity about the Bible.
I moved in with him – my first time ever living with a man. He expanded my interest in music, sports (mostly the Hornets), books, and even what ‘wealth’ looks like. So, at 36, I took his last name. I put my faith in him and in us as a unit. At 37, I had his baby. And at 38, I’m going to have his second baby.
He has given so many things to me, but I think the most important one so far is my title of ‘mother’. It’s hard to describe in words, because part of me feels like this is all brand new. But another part of me feels like I am simply getting to know someone I’ve carried with me all my life. It’s the greatest feeling of déjà vu that I hope never goes away.
Becoming a mother makes me feel like I’ve been cracked wide open. I get it now. I get the love, the exhaustion, the “it’s worth every sacrifice,” the “you’ll understand when you have kids of your own one day.” I understand now that every person in the world is someone’s Ruby. I understand my mom better than I ever have before. (And I also feel quite a bit of guilt for a few things I’ve done and said to her over the years, but that’s another story for another day.)
Part of me wishes I could have found all of this earlier in life because pregnancy at 38 is HARD. Chasing a baby around while pregnant is HARD. But I also know that I wouldn’t have been ready for this life if it had found me earlier, which means it got to me right on time.
THIS is what wealth looks like. To enjoy the feeling of coming home every day. To not need to go on vacation to escape from life. To have a house full of life and love and laughter.
I lived an entire life before this one, yet somehow, I feel like it’s only just beginning.
🤍
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