Death By Juice

Labor Day weekend, Aeri got a wild hair and decided she wanted to go on a juice cleanse. She’d watched a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and thought it’d be a good idea. I called her that Saturday, probably wanting her to go with me to get Froyo or something, when she informed me of this decision. She said it was supposed to basically re-program our bodies to stop craving bad foods. It would also improve our allergies (which we’ve both had problems with since moving here), our hearing, our skin, our sense of smell and would also give us tons of energy. If you haven’t learned from the kitten story, know this: Aeri is a good salesman.

“Sounds great. I’m in!” I said.

So off we went to the Farmer’s Market to get green leafy veggies and fruit. The documentary says that the recipe should consist of 60% green, leafy veggies and 40% ‘other.’ Whatever that means. I went with fruit. And I went with 60% fruit and 40% green, leafy veggies. First day and I was already cheating, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be eating a damn thing for the next 10 days. If I wanted more fruit than veggies in my juice to make it taste bearable, then I was going to have more fruit! And anyone that had a problem with it could suck it! (No one had a problem with it.)

By the time we’d gotten all of our shopping done, we were starving. So we went our separate ways and went home to clean out our refrigerators and make our juices. When I got home, I could feel my stomach threatening to eat itself and I knew it was going to take a long time to make this juice, so I ate half a peach. Sue me. It was the only way I could clearly read the directions on my new juicer to figure out how to work it.

Making my first juice took about half the vegetables and fruit I’d just bought (this was going to be an expensive cleanse), but it actually tasted decent. I began to think that maybe, just maybe I could possibly drink this. And only this. For the next 10 days. I drank about 1/3 of the juice and decided I needed a nap, so I went to bed.

I spent my first 3 days of this cleanse basically in the bed trying to avoid food at all costs. Only drinking the juice when I felt like I was going to collapse from hunger and weakness (about every 60 minutes). I refused to go out of the house until Monday night when my friend, Kacey, wanted to go to Red Door in East Nashville for a drink. By the third day, I was beginning to live with the fact that I would get to see food again in 7 days, and it didn’t seem that far away. So, why not? I went with Kacey to Red Door and decided before I left the house that I wouldn’t drink.

At Red Door I got a water from the bar and Kacey got a Long Island and we went to find a table outside. As soon as she sat down at the table, I could smell the alcohol in her drink. And we weren’t even close to each other! What the hell? How was I supposed to survive the next 7 days being able to smell individual alcohols inside a mixed drink?!

Despite my new-and-improved, Spidey-like sense of smell, I did well at Red Door. Didn’t have one drink. Only water. And after about an hour and a half there, I was starving and needed to go home to drink my juice. I was still getting used to the being hungry all the time feeling. And just so you know: there’s no getting used to that feeling. It sucks. All the time.

So, Monday I got up early, made my juice and headed to work. I did great at lunch drinking juice while everyone ate their smelly lunches. I even did it with a smile on my face. All day, I drank my juice, but the hunger was always there. I couldn’t get used to not chewing on something. So I tried gum that afternoon. It worked for about 30 seconds. I needed something more than gum! But no, I told myself, 6 more days! I can so do this!

Then I get home Monday night and chicken comes to my brain. I remember that one of the things I didn’t throw out was the chicken breast in my freezer. It was from Trader Joe’s, so it was natural. No artificial things added to it, so surely that’d be okay…right? I got that chicken out of the freezer, thawed it out in the microwave, put some Tony’s on it and grilled that sucker in my George Foreman and it was the best chicken breast I’d ever had. In. My. Life. So, I had another one after that. And it was the second best chicken breast I’d ever had.

After eating two chicken breasts in one night, I felt ashamed of myself. Aeri wasn’t eating chicken breasts. She was doing well starving like she was supposed to be doing. Meh, no biggie. I told myself that tomorrow would be better.

Well tomorrow came and went. And with it, another chicken breast. Just one this time, but it was still just as good as I remembered it.

By Wednesday, I’d pretty much given up completely on the cleanse. I was feeling weak and lethargic. My head hurt, and I was so tired I could barely work. I needed food, and that was that.

I texted Aeri to see how she was doing. She said she’d been cheating and chewing on celery. But she was chewing on it for so long in her mouth that it was basically juice by the time she swallowed it. Umm…. I’ve been eating chicken breast and she’s feeling guilty about celery?! It was time to call it a day on this cleanse. For both our sake’s.

I don’t know how that man in the documentary made it for two whole months on nothing but juice, but more power to him. I just don’t have the will power for that. I like to keep my sanity in tact. By eating food.

The Culprit