So, I’m gonna be honest here: Kate Spade’s death hit me a little harder than it should have. I know people sometimes cry over celebrities’ deaths but I’ve never really been one to do that. I didn’t know this woman. I only recently started being able to *sometimes* afford her handbags. Hell, she hasn’t even been affiliated with the brand in 10 years! Why would something like this sting so much?
Anyway, in light of recent events, I would like to share my story of depression.
I was first diagnosed with it in high school. Right around the time I started birth control. I took meds for it much longer than I should have (mostly Fluoxetine, that, in some strange twist of fate, is the same stuff my cat is on now). But when I moved to Nashville, I realized those meds that had gotten me through high school and college were holding me back. I was never really sad when I was on them, but I also started to recognize that I wasn’t super happy either. And I didn’t feel like I could be truly happy if I didn’t experience the true depths of sadness first. So I got off the meds and quickly found that I was actually able to weather the sadness fairly easily. It was a good time in my life, and I did end up finding true joy in the good things. I was able to stay off of the meds completely.
My most recent bout of depression started about two weeks ago. I tried really hard to focus on the positives in my situation and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I was doing a good job because I wasn’t as weepy as I expected to be. But as the days wore on, I stopped sleeping very well. It went on for a few days until finally I wasn’t able to fall asleep for hours at a time. I went a week or so on 3.5-5 hours of “sleep” and finally realized I needed some help. I can’t fight off depression (or cancer) if I’m tired all the damn time.
So, I went to my OB and she prescribed me Clonopin. I’ve always heard about this drug but had never taken it. I never thought I would be “that person,” but here I am!
I recognize that my form of depression is not nearly as bad as other people’s. I recognize that I have a pretty decent reason to need the help and that that reason is temporary.
I recognize that I am lucky in every aspect.
Not everyone gets off so easily in their depression. Sometimes it eats them alive. It can brew for years under the surface before it rears its ugly head. Or it can come on overnight. There is no rhyme or reason to it.
I imagine this is what happened to Kate Spade. But what she must not… could not… have thought about were the people she left behind. The daughter who needs her during this very important stage in her life. The countless women who admired her success. All of the people who loved her.
It breaks my heart that she wasn’t able to see herself like we did. I truly hope she is at peace now.
I hope we all find some peace in this world.
I know the Clonopin sure is helping me find mine! ; )
*Love to you all*
I shared your post. This is a very difficult Chapter of your life and you are handling it with aplomb. I applaud your honesty and willingness to share the journey and the insights you gain along the way. God bless you, Emily.